the dating game

the dating game

I swear if you add up all the weirdass moments in my life, they'll make the best black comedy ever. And sometimes, it really isn't all that funny to be IN this damn comedy. Fran and I always wonder - Do things only happen to us? Well, more or less, we figured out, yes, they really only happen to people like us for reasons unfathomable.

So recently, having being single for almost 2years now, I decided to join the dating game again. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't go to sleazy clubs and get wasted and go home with random gross guys looking for a cheap fuck. I just decided to pop my head out of my comfort zone and start meeting new people, and going out with people who ask. Keep the optioins open. Whatever.

And at one of the CNY gatherings, I came to know this guy, who was brought up in Singapore, but has been studying in another country for quite a few years. He got my number, and seemed pretty keen to go out with me. I thought it won't be too bad an idea to get to know someone of a different culture background, and just to make a new friend.

But it turned out that the differences were abit hard to swallow. Like, right after he got my number, he just called right away, without a message or warning or anything, for a random chat. How many normal Singaporean guys do that? And, when I told him that work was pretty boring, he actually said "Oh, you're stuck in a tower, I'll come and rescure you."

HELLO. Compliments is one thing, but this whole thing was abit too much for me, the home-grown Asian girl! All these things added up to one label for me - weird.

On the oh-so-great Valentine's Day, I messaged Fran to whine like a bimbo about the lack of flowers, chocolates and such. I really miss Valentine's at AC btw! So anyways, this was the message I composed: "Are you up yet are you up yet! It's valentine's and the girls in the office have got flowers and huge baloons and I have nothing! :( And that weird _____ (insert name here) guy is not even replying me suddenly! Hpmh!"

Well well, guess WHO I sent it to. No prize.

To top it off, I was supposed to go out with this guy for dinner and movie the next day! Which happens to be today. He didn't make a huge fuss about it, and instead acted like he never saw the message. Me, being the wuss that I am, just played along and pretended that I never sent the message.

So, how was the date?

In a single breath, it was a complete disaster. Right from the moment I met him. I don't know if it's the culture in the other country, but he was wearing a three-quarter jeans with sneakers and SOCKS 2INCHES HIGH. And me? I actually bothered to look through my wardrobe, pick a chic outfit and slap some makeup on. Already I think I look older than him.

As we walked from Cine to Heeren for dinner at Billy Bombers on my suggestion, I realised that I was walking with both hands clasped together, which was abit awkward. So I tried to walk normally with my hands by my side. But omg, the moment I put my hands down, HE TIRED TO GRAB MY HAND! 5 minutes into the evening! I was shocked. I just looked at his hand, looked at him, and took out my phone, and held it with BOTH hands. Can you just imagine what he's gonna try in the cinema?

Secretly I messaged Fran, whom I met before I went to meet this guy, for help. Meanwhile, this guy also acquired the habit of standing within 3cm of me on the escalator even though there was a whole lot of space. It made me really uncomfortable. Plus, we didn't really have anything to talk about! Which really sucked for me. I just cannot be around people I can't talk to. Cannot.

Oh, and did I mention, on the way up, he actually asked me, "So, how EXPENSIVE is this place?"

LIKE I WANT TO RIP HIM OFF FOR DINNER! And this is the same guy who claimed that he wanted to splurge 400bucks of angbao money on me.

Once inside Billy Bombers, I made the move that you see too often in cliched movies - "Excuse me, I need to run to the washroom." I almost collapsed with relief when I saw Fran and Alee standing outside! I just grabbed the both of them and ran downstairs to plot my escape route! I seriously, honestly, wanted to just call him and tell him my Mom called and demanded me home. I did not want to go back to an extremely awkward dinner. I wanted to sprint off in my pumps. I wanted to hide in the toilet and stuff my head in the toilet bowl so that he won't be able to find me. I wanted to be the escape artiste again!

But Fran being the nice Fran, and Alee being equally nice, both forbade me to run away. ): They told me that I must go back and at least finish dinner and then think of a way to cancel the movie afterwards. Me, I had zero reservations about being the bitch and just leaving without notice. Who asked him to grab my hand! But after promising to join me, they managed to send me back up to Billy Bombers.

Standing on the escalator alone and looking down at the two of them, I really felt like I was in a bad movie. To complete my role, I plastered a smile onto my face as I put my best foot into the restaurant. It was a 180degree transformation - from the blabbering bimbo to the chic girl, within the blink of an eye. They should hand me the Oscars this year.

I made brainless small talk, and listened to him complain about the milkshake that came in a cup which was "dirty and gross". I opened my eyes wide as he ordered a beer. (As if it wasn't bad enough without the alcohol?) I checked my phone and looked outside a million times. I twirled my hair and flipped the menu non-stop. Then he asked me, "Are you okay?"

Without blinking, I told him "Erm, actually, a really close friend of mine just broke up with her boyfriend." Wistful look. "She sounds really bad and everything. I'm just abit worried."

Under the table, I typed to Kaiyi "Call me in 10minutes. Pretend your boyfriend just broke up with you or something. Be hysterical. Cry. Say you wanna kill yourself. Anything. 10mins. Must call. Okay? MUST."

Right that moment, Fran and Alee walked in, and went "Oh HEY! You guys are having dinner here too? Oh, that's cool!" And sat down right next to us.

I guess in a situation like that, the guy had no choice but to offer "So you wanna move and sit together?"

YES, SCORE.

5 minutes later, my phone went. Kaiyi was hysterical. "Omg Meng, why! Why like that! It's not fair! I don't want this to happen! I don't know what to do! *Giggles* Can you come and see me now? NOW! *Giggles* I don't want to live anymore! Meng!"

I said as loudly as I could without being rude, "Okay, Kaiyi, calm down. Stop crying. NO, don't do anything stupid. Listen to me. Okay, I'm in the middle of dinner. Erm, okay, I tell you what, I will come over as soon as I'm done with this okay? I just can't leave right now. I can't! But yes, I WILL be there. No, stop drinking. You hear me? Now, stop crying."

I made sure he heard every single word.

Then, I looked up, sorry as can be, "I"m so sorry, I don't think we can catch the movie tonight. My friend's in a terrible state. She's had 3beers and almost suicidal."

And Fran said, "Kaiyi? 3 beers? But she doesn't even usually drink at all!"

20minutes later, I was scurrying out of the restuarant, clutching a Winne the Pooh stuff toy in my hand, evidence of my ridiculous evening. I would like to say that I didn't even look back, but I just had to make sure that he wasn't tailing me or something.

God, it was a TERRIBLE evening! I know it was rather bitchy and mean, but he was really weird! It's probably all gonna come back to me, all these stints I pull off, like Fran says. When I'm 72years old with no teeth and saggy boobs, I'll understand why my husand went off on a spaceship with 95year old Pamela Anderson.

But again, I had to admit that it is quite funny IF it wasn't my black comedy. The stupid message, the clothes, the great girlfriends, the bitchiness, the irony. Running into my girlfriends in the same restaurant? Another girlfriend breaking up and being suicidal and having no one else to talk to? HAHA.

These kinda things really only happen to people like us, huh?

Meanwhile, I'm not going to date ANYONE for some time. How on earth do people go on blind dates for fun? I cannot comprehend.